


breathe in for luck

by machinewithoutfeelings



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Closeted Character, First Love, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, Mid-2000s, Overuse of AIM, Secret Relationship, Soft Kylux, Theater Kids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-18 13:06:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7316293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/machinewithoutfeelings/pseuds/machinewithoutfeelings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben Solo makes Hux feel nervous. Ben Solo makes Hux feel panicky. Ben Solo makes Hux feels all kinds of ways that he finds unacceptable. </p><p>Ben Solo probably joined theater <i>just</i> to ruin Hux's senior year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> okay, this is basically an AU that was destined to happen. I was a high school theater kid in the mid-2000s, so when going to write a high school AU, this is the only thing I could possibly write. 
> 
> also, the details I already don't remember about things like AIM and myspace make me feel old af.

“He's looking at you again.”

Like Phasma needed to point it out. Hux was _well_ aware of Ben Solo's eyes on him, even all the way up from the lighting booth. It was a common occurrence ever since Ben had decided to make theater his elective senior year and effectively ruin Hux's life. Hux had been apart of the theater program all four years of high school, and now he was president, and this was supposed to be his _year_. Then his fucking stalker had decided to join the one place in this entire school that was actually his. “It's called escalation,” Hux had said, the first day of school. “He's actually modeling his schedule after mine. Next thing you know, I will be up in the trunk of that beat up old car he drives. Remember this conversation when you have to make the call to the police, Phas.”

“You're certainly not the president of _drama_ for no reason,” Phasma had said, rolling her eyes as they walked up the stairs together. “What has he ever actually done to you, besides look at you? He's just really socially awkward.” She paused at the top of the stairs, shifting her backpack on one shoulder as she looked down at the first level, where Ben Solo was walking by, hood part of his oversized black hoodie pulled over his head. “He's certainly gotten really fit recently, though. You can tell even in his giant clothes.”

Hux had just scoffed. He scoffed then and he scoffed now, turning his back to the lighting both and facing the sets that still needed painting. “Can someone tell him to fucking stop looking? It's creepy.”

“He likes you. He's shy.”

Something lurched in Hux's stomach when she said that, and that feeling that he had come to associate with Ben Solo was one of the reasons he despised him so much. “What he likes is the idea of making me into a skin suit,” Hux said, trying to calm his queasy stomach. “Besides, I'm straight, so that's pointless anyway.”

“Right,” Phasma said. Hux hated the way that she said that, like she didn't believe him. It wasn't like they had spent all of tenth grade dating or anything. Yeah, they hadn't spent all year with their tongues down each other's throats, like she did with Mitaka now, but Hux found that kind of PDA so disgusting. Even in private, really. Apparently being a gentleman was frowned upon these days.

A door opened up at the top of the mostly-darkened auditorium, and Hux turned toward it. Light filtered down the aisle from the hall, and his father stood in the doorway. Even from far away, Hux could could read the expression on his face.

“Are you finished yet, Brendan?” His father's voice echoed loudly through the room. “You were supposed to meet me in my office at five o'clock. You know that I do not like to be left waiting.”

“I'm sorry, Sir,” Hux said, sliding off the stage and grabbing his backpack that sat by the front row of seats. “We were running a little behind. I should have let you know. Phasma, could you-”

“I'll take of everything,” Phasma said with a little smile. She then moved her gaze up to his father, who was standing with his arms crossed as Hux jogged up the aisle. “Have a good evening, Principal Hux!” She gave an exaggerated wave that Hux cringed at. 

Principal Hux did not smile, but he did give a single nod. “Thank you, Evelyn.” His glanced darted around. “Is Mr. Snoke still here? Students should not be using school facilities unsupervised.”

“I think he's up in the lighting booth,” Hux said, joining his father at his side. “He should be down to lock everything up in a minute.”

The ride home was quiet. Hux knew that his father was annoyed with him, and it wasn't really a mystery why. His father had very strict guidelines for his behavior. Hux was really lucky that he allowed him to be a part of the theater at all- it had taken the entire summer after eighth grade of carefully orchestrated groveling, plus intervention of his mother's part, to get senior Hux to agree to it. His father had made it very clear, though, that if his behavior ever fell out of line at all, if his grades dipped, anything at all really, theater would be the first thing to go. 

And Hux _needed_ theater. They weren't the biggest, or the best, or the most well-funded high school troupe in the area, but it was his place and over the last four years, it had become his home. 

After he completed all of his homework and eaten dinner, Hux sat down to look over his plans for the fall production. Auditions had been that afternoon, and they had gone- okay. Hux did not have plans to act in this production. He would want to be in the spring show for sure, it would be his final appearance on the Arkanis High School stage, but for the fall production of _Little Shop of Horrors_ , Snoke was letting him direct. Snoke technically had a final say on the cast, but he was close to retirement and didn't really give a shit about what happened, which meant the decisions were mostly up to Hux.

“This has the power to make you quite unpopular,” Phasma had laughed, and he knew she wasn't wrong. Still, he thought he could make a fair and unbiased decision. 

He was looking over his notes for the girls auditioning for Audrey when he heard the AIM alert on his computer. 

**DreaminDarkness88:** _you left today before snoke could talk to you_

Hux didn't recognize the screen name. Obviously someone in theater, but he knew the majority of their screen names, except for the gaggle of freshmen who probably wouldn't have been entrusted with a message from Snoke.

**GeneralHux:** _Who is this?_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _it's ben_

Hux felt a stab of anger. Now he was cyberstalking him as well? 

**GeneralHux:** _How did you get my screen name?_

Hux felt like his stomach was in knots as Ben typed something back to him, and he minimized the window to concentrate on something else for a moment. He tried to take a quiz telling him what Harry Potter character he was, but he could barely get through the third question before maximizing the chat window again, right as Ben sent a message.

**DreaminDarkness88:** _you haven't changed it since middle school,_ General. _Lmao_

Hux felt his face go slightly rosy in embarrassment, which was stupid, because Ben's screen name was a thousand times stupider than his. 

**GeneralHux:** _you can't make fun of me when you have a screen name like that_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _definitely wasn't making fun_

Before Hux could respond, he got another message.

**DreaminDarkness88:** _snoke wanted us to talk about working together_

**GeneralHux:** _working together? How much are we really going to be working together?_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _with you directing and me heading up the tech department- somewhat???_

Heading up? What the fuck. Ben had just joined the theater department. Why should he be heading up anything?

**GeneralHux:** _uhhh...you're doing what? Do you even know how to use the lighting and sound boards? Does anything qualify you for this?_

Hux had known that they were a little short-staffed on the tech side ever since Finn had moved away over the summer, with no one else who really knew the complete ends and outs of the thing- but what did Ben Solo know? Hux was convinced that he hadn't joined out of any real love for the theater. 

**DreaminDarkness88:** _I mean...my mom does kind of operate the D'Qar Theater downtown. And has my whole life. I know a thing or two...just because I haven't been involved in school theater doesn't mean I don't have plenty of experience._

Talking to someone on instant messenger was always a million times easier than talking to them in person. Even someone he hated, like Ben Solo- it was just words on a screen, glowing in the dark of his bedroom. Blue Times New Roman and a familiar alert tone. 

**GeneralHux:** _why join now then?_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _you're kidding, right?_

**GeneralHux:** _no_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _maybe because I got kicked off the fucking wrestling team and if I didn't come up with someone new to do with my afternoons my parents were sure I was going to become a hopeless delinquent?_

Oh, yeah. Hux did remember that now, clearly. At the very end of junior year Ben had gotten into a lot of trouble when he'd beat the shit out of some other kid on the team. Really bloody, other kids who had witnessed it had said. Even when held back by three people he was still trying to go. Hux remembered it because it had been a confirmation of what he already knew about Ben- he was scary, and dangerous. He had almost gotten expelled, if Hux recalled correctly. Would have, if Hux's father had had the final say. If not for Ben's heavily influential mother and for the reason Ben officially gave for the fight, backed up by other people.

That the other boy had been harassing him for being gay.

**GeneralHux:** _well, try not to bash anyone's face in on our stage. I don't want anything fucking up our production._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _you're kind of a dick. Anyone ever tell you that? :P_

Hux grimaced at Ben's use of emoticons. He x-ed out of the window before he was tempted to continue a conversation with him, really confront him about his weird fucking behavior. He would have to talk with Snoke tomorrow. He did not want to work closely with that violent weirdo. They had to be able to come to some kind of agreement. Hux had put too much into the drama department to have to deal with this _now_. 

He was about to get up and take a shower when another message popped up on the screen.

**DreaminDarkness88:** _you still really hate me, don't you_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _if you still feel that weird about what happened, please don't. That was forever ago and was just a stupid kid thing. I just want to be able to work together._

Ben was typing something more, but Hux signed off of AIM before he could read it. He felt more like throwing up than taking a shower- it was bad enough that he had to had to do with Ben Solo at school every day now. He shouldn't have to deal with him at home, too. He went to the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water before stripping down. He tried to think about the play while under the hot stream of water. Mitaka would be the obvious choice for Seymour. He had it in the bag and everyone knew it. 

Every had also assumed Phasma was going to nab the female lead for sure, but then she hadn't even tried out for Audrey. The sophomore, Rey- she had been good. Really good. He hadn't even noticed her very much the year before, but she had certainly been practicing or something over the summer.

...what _had_ he been typing? 

Hux frowned as he lathered green apple shampoo into his hair. 

Thinking about the way he felt short of breath, seeing Ben type, made him feel terrible in a way he didn't feel like placing. It- it was just the not knowing that bothered him. What else could Ben have had to say to him? He was obviously just taunting Hux, and to fucking bring up- Hux felt like he had made it perfectly clear that he never wanted to think about that again, in his entire life. 

He leaned his head against the tile, trying to breathe evenly, letting the water hit his back. Hux was going to have to work with Ben Solo this year, in some capacity, whether he liked it or not. He was not going to let it ruin his show, his senior year, or _anything_ else. He had already done enough of that in Hux's life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, holy shit. first chapter was about 2k, this one is...more than three times that??? so it's coming out a little later than I originally intended, but that's just because it just. wouldn't. end.
> 
> warning: possible spoilers for a ten year-old movie. I tried to avoid the actual spoilers, though.

Hux had A lunch, like all of the others in fourth period theater, but he never ate in the cafeteria. He and Phasma and a few of the others would usually just grab a chicken sandwich or a Snickers ice cream and eat backstage, where they weren't supposed to. Phasma on the raggedy old sofa kept back there, her legs in Mitaka’s lap. Hux sat on the floor beside them, back against the armrest, and Poe sat on a stool, Jessika sitting at his feet, his hands playing with her hair.

“I don't know how you sit on that thing,” Poe said. “Unspeakable things have been done on that sofa.”

“You would know,” Phasma said, rolling her eyes. “Jessika talks, you know.”

Jessika through her hands over her face, though everyone know she had the least shame of anyone in the room. “ _Phas_ , come on!” 

“You guys are all gross,” Hux said. “Can’t we keep the theater a sacred thing?”

“A little late for that,” Poe said. “I wouldn't want to run over this place with a black light.”

Hux made a face and took a sip of juice. 

“Babe, don't be jealous,” Poe said, and he ran a bare foot up Hux's shin, which Hux hit away. 

“As if I'd ever be jealous,” Hux said with a huff. “With all the places I know for a fact you've been? No offense, Jessika.” 

“None taken.”

“My point is, who in this theater have you _not_ hooked up with?”

Poe tilted back his stool, balancing it on two legs, pondering seriously on Hux's rhetorical question. He propped a finger under his chin and gave a thoughtful sigh. He looked about ready to shrug when a door on the other side of the stage opened. His face fell into a flirty grin as he nodded his head towards the door. “Him.”

Hux looked over his shoulder and there skulked Ben Solo, hair unbrushed and pulled back, wearing the same stupid hoodie he always wore. Hux wondered how often he actually washed it- he tried to never be close enough to Ben Solo to smell him. Probably smelled like weed smoke and body odor. He wore it _every damn day_. 

“Don't even put that idea in my head,” Hux said, after a bit too long. “I think even you would have standards above that.”

“You're blind,” Poe said. “If I was single-”

Hux had excellent practice of tuning Poe out when he started to go off on a sexual tangent. He didn't know how Jessika stood being his girlfriend, but then again, she was almost as bad as he was. For someone as uncomfortable with the topic of sex as Hux knew himself to be, he had chosen the most sexualized extracurricular one could pick in high school. Sure, cheerleading was an obvious choice, with the short skirts and shaking around. Too obvious, really. And there were stereotypes about band geeks, of course. It was theater, though, by a landslide. All of the ass slapping and changing in front of each other and homoerotic jokes created an air of tension that seemed to make everyone want to fuck each other. Except Hux, of course.

It wasn't that Hux _never_ wanted to have sex. It was just something he didn't allow himself to think about very often. His parents had raised him with traditional Christian values, abstinence only, True Love Waits kind of things. Hux didn't know exactly where he stood on the whole God thing, but that was no reason to throw out the baby with the bathwater. It fit him, really. He could never see himself as charismatically raunchy as Poe, or as disgustingly into PDA as Phas and Mitaka. 

Thank God that Poe was currently taken. Hux felt like he would have to Oedipus his eyes out if forced to watch Ben and Poe dry hump on the backstage sofa.

Ben caught sight of Hux, who instantly looked away with a scowl. 

“Hey, Ben!” Jessika called out, waving. “Skipping lunch today?”

“I usually skip lunch,” he said. Hux wondered where Ben went on these supposed lunch-skips. “I was going to paint this. Than was doing it, but it's easier for me to reach the high spots.” 

“Well, no one is stopping you,” Hux said, loudly, snidely, obnoxiously, knowing that all of his friends were looking at him. Phasma in particular nudged him in the back with her foot, and when he looked up at her, she was glaring. 

_You're being a dick,_ she mouthed.

Hux rolled his eyes, grabbing his backpack and getting his iPod out. He shoved his earbuds into his ears before he had to face any more judgement from his so-called friends. Phasma had already giving him at least four speeches about his 'attitude problem' when it came to Ben. She didn't understand, and Hux certainly wasn't going to explain it to her. She would take the whole situation and twist it, talking about she knew it, she was right, and he wasn't up for that. Wasn't ready for the little upturn at the side of her smirking mouth. Wasn't ready for his best friend to take a horrible memory like that and turn it into an _I told you so_.

Ben was pulling his hoodie over his head and throwing it off the side of the stage. 

Hux remembered what Phasma had said, at the beginning of the semester. _“He's certainly gotten really fit recently, though. You can tell even in his giant clothes.”_ Now that Hux thought about it, he had only seen Ben in long sleeves so far this school year, even in the ridiculously hot first few weeks. Phasma hadn't been...wrong. Ben was a lot more in shape than Hux remembered. His arms looked huge in his t-shirt, reaching up to stroke the brush over the top border.

Hux looked down into his lap and circled the dial of his iPod, turning up the volume, loud as it went. Drown it out, drown it out with music. He closed his eyes, letting The Postal Service fill his ears and swim through his head. 

He felt Phasma touch his shoulder to signal that they were getting up and heading to the classroom, but Hux just waved his hand and laid his head back against the sofa. They had known him for years. They were used to his weird moods. Hux just needed a few more minutes.

When he opened his eyes again, he was alone with Ben, who stood close to the edge of the curtain, brushing olive green paint around the square where the window would be. He wasn't looking at Hux, but Hux felt like he could feel his intent as strongly as if he were staring straight at him. He pulled his earbuds out.

“Why are you here?”

Ben's movements paused. “I told you,” he said. “I told Than I would finish up some of this painting for him.”

“Right. Like you didn't come in here because I'm here.”

Ben continued painting, not looking at him. “You're here every day, Hux. I'm only here today. Because I promised Thannison.” He blew at a piece of hair that had fallen out of his bun and over his face. It was lifted up, then fell back down right where it had been. “Not everything is about you.”

This slightly shamed Hux into silence. He put his earbuds back in, but didn't turn on any music. He wasn't watching Ben, not really. He was observing, with a frown on his face and an unopened chicken sandwich in his hands. There was something different about Ben than the Ben he had known before. The Ben who had flipped his desk in middle school after blowing up at the teacher. The Ben who had broken the window in Hux's bedroom. The Ben who had just last year turned Watson Peck's face into a bloody mess. He looked sort of serene now. 

It bugged Hux.

“Did you really not eat lunch at all?”

Ben paused in his brushing and looked over at Hux, whose gaze now was firmly on his iPod, scrolling aimlessly through songs. 

“What?”

Hux sighed, and reached into his backpack to pull out what he had bought for his lunch. He shook the sandwich out of its plastic packaging, then tore it in half, spicy orange outside and greyish meat outside. It wasn't anything that particularly tasted like a chicken sandwich should taste, but he was used to it and it was something. He held out half to Ben. “Here.”

Ben just stared at it.

“I haven't poisoned it, Solo,” Hux said, not meeting Ben's eyes. “I just don't like the thought of you skulking around on an empty stomach. Since we have to work together and everything. Who knows what you might be capable of?” 

Ben put down the paintbrush, then accepted the sandwich. For a moment he stood there dumbly, not knowing what to do, and then he took a seat on the ground beside Hux. 

Hux knew that Ben was large. That was part of what made him so intimidating- huge with muscled arms and a broad chest, looking like he could knock someone like Hux into the floor with a single hit. He wasn't much taller than Hux, really, but sitting next to Ben, Hux felt like he was sitting in the shadow of him, like he could feel the prickle of his presence all over him. 

They ate without speaking.

* * *

“Play rehearsals are really picking up now,” Hux said, looking down at his dinner plate. “As director I have to be there for all of them, and they're probably going to start going really late. Usually until around six or seven. Phasma has said that she can drive me home, so you don't have to wait on me.”

It was quiet in the dining room- there normally wasn't much cause for conversation at the Hux dinner table. Most of the noise was derived from the clink of glasses and the scrape of silverware.

“You already asked her before we even gave permission, Brendan?”

Hux looked at his father across the table. “Dad, I do have a responsibility as director and as president to be at all rehearsals. I can't just shirk my duties.” The gaze that looked back at him said, as usual, nothing. That was what Hux disliked most about his father's stare. It was unpredictable. It was the same whether he was angry with Hux, proud of him, or worse. “Sir.”

“He's a grown boy, Brendol,” his mother said softly, and Hux smiled without even meaning to. It was always smoother when his mother took up for him. “Eighteen next month. He's going to be making some plans of his own. And does have responsibilities. You wouldn't want him to do a half-hearted job, would you?”

Hux's father just grunted and turned back to his baked potato. “Don't put try and words in my mouth, Maratelle.” He didn't look back at Hux when he answered, which was a relief. “I want you to do your homework and chores the moment you get home, which should be immediately after practice. No dilly-dallying with your friends. Remember that you have college applications you have to do, too.”

“Of course, Sir.” 

Hux ate the last bite of chicken and a brussels sprout, then looked back up at his parents. “I'm finished. May I be excused?”

His father nodded and waved him off. After making one stop off to drop his plate off in the dishwasher, Hux then headed upstairs to his room. The wall along the stairs was decorated with a framed picture of him at almost every stop. Five year-old Hux on the back of a stupid pony, piano recital in sixth grade, family Christmas portrait, a surprisingly fat baby Hux in a sailor suit. Hux paused a moment under this one, touching the wall, feeling the extremely slight difference where the wall had been plastered over. 

Hux's room was the only real room upstairs. There was a hall closet, a bathroom, a small storage room where they kept Christmas decorations and the Boflex his mother never used, but it was mostly all his space. 

Hux changed into nightclothes, a soft tee and some plaid pajama pants, then sat down at his desk. He did need to get started on his college applications. His father wanted him to go somewhere in-state, preferably the university closest by so that he could just live at home and commute. “It's the most financially sound option,” he said. “It's a good school and you won't have to work trying to support yourself or take out outrageous loans.” Of course Hux nodded and agreed, while at the same time making up his mind to apply to the farthest possible schools he could. He loved to pull up websites of different schools on the west coast. UCLA, Berkeley, Stanford, and daydream about the fact that in a year, he could be there. He had the grades. He had the test scores and the impressive array of extracurriculars. The only problem was paying application fees when he didn't have any money of his own. He doubted his father would give it to him.

He was in the middle of scanning the application for Berkeley again when a message box popped up on his screen.

**DreaminDarkness88:** _hey_

**GeneralHux:** _hey_

**GeneralHux:** _what do you want?_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _to talk to you?? you have such an aggressive tone_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _what are you doing?_

**GeneralHux:** _supposed to be doing homework. My parents would kill me if they knew I actually wasn't._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _lol bad boy_

Hux stared at the words on the screen. It was stupid the way they suddenly made his stomach ache. 

**GeneralHux:** _so exactly is going on with you lately_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _what do you mean?_

**GeneralHux:** _you seem weird_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _like...???_

**GeneralHux:** _like, when I was being kind of rude to you earlier, you just kind of calmly brushed it off instead of punching a hole in the set_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _oh_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _yeah, you'll be pleased to know that i've been in counseling since the whole incident last year and they are teaching me ways to “control my anger”_

**GeneralHux:** _oh thank god_

**GeneralHux:** _we all have a chance at being safe now_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _and what about you????_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _being all nice and sharing your lunch. Fucking weird when you're sweet like that, Hux._

Hux felt his cheeks go slightly red. There had been nothing _sweet_ about what Hux had done. He was simply taking preemptive action. He had seen Ben in the throes of hunger-induced anger before, and he hadn't known about this apparent anger management counseling then. 

Hux looked over his shoulder at the door. He hated how his desk faced the door. It gave him anxiety thinking that his door could open any second. Not like he was doing anything particularly wrong, besides look at unapproved colleges and talking to someone who Hux knew would cause his father to lose it on him. 

**GeneralHux:** _please don't call me sweet. You're going to ruin my reputation._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _you don't want me to ruin your reputation?_

Hux didn't get halfway through typing his first response to that before pressing his finger on the delete button. Stop, stop, stop. What was he even doing? 

**GeneralHux:** _stop IMing me_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _:P_

* * *

They didn't speak much in school, except about play business. Hux had a lot of very specific visions for the play- the set, the blocking, the lighting. He found himself in the lighting booth often, going over things with Ben, who in addition to lighting and sound was also helping build the set. 

“You're not scared of me with power tools?” Ben called out to Hux, clutching the drill like a sword.

“Shut up, you idiot,” Hux said, only keeping an eye on him for a moment before turning back to Rey and Mitaka. 

They pretty much only interacted in a professional capacity at school, which was a little strange, because they had begun talking to each other almost every night. Hux hadn't _asked_ for it, and he rarely initiated the AIM conversations. He would just be minding his own business when Ben would IM him. Sometimes he would ignore him, but more often than not he'd respond. 

Ben turned out to be...not the worst to talk to. Easier when couldn't see his face or hear his voice. 

Funny, like he used to be. Smart even.

“Hux!” Two hands clapped on his shoulders from behind, and he felt Phasma's cheek press against his hair. He shook out from under her grasp and turned around. She still had her backpack dangling from one shoulder, and she was smiling too widely for everything to be cool. 

“What is it?”

“I have to miss practice today,” she said. “My sister is in labor.”

“In _labor_?”

“With a baby,” Phasma said. “You know. The one she has been pregnant with for the last forty weeks? I assumed that you realized it would eventually be coming out of her body.”

“Doesn't labor take forever?” Hux asked. “I mean, can't you just go after practice?” 

“You're a real shit friend sometimes, Hux. I'm not even in the show. I think you'll survive for one afternoon without me.”

“Sorry,” Hux said, running a hand through his short hair. He just didn't like it when things weren't according to plan. Unexpected occurrences. Phasma wasn't in the show, but she did stage manage, was helping construct the giant puppet, and was just in general the person Hux went to when he needed something. Plus...

“You're my ride,” he said. “How am I supposed to get home?” He didn't want to call his parents. 

“I'm not the only one here with a car,” Phasma said. “Ask someone else for a ride.” She paused, considering the group of people congregated near the front of the stage. “I know for a fact that Ben has a car.”

Before Hux could respond, Phasma was cupping her hands and calling out to Ben across the auditorium. “Hey! Hux needs a ride home! Could you take him?”

Ben looked up from his conversation, surprised. A smirk spread over his face, reminding Hux more of their late night conversations than the more polite exterior Ben usually took on when they worked together at school. Hux half expected him to stick out his tongue and complete the stupid emoticon. 

“Sure,” he called back, and Hux hadn't had a choice in any of it.

“There,” Phasma said, clapping a hand on his shoulder. “All settled. Be good.”

The rest of practice had Hux dreading the drive home. He didn't exactly know why. He wasn't particularly worried about Ben anymore- sure, sometimes he was a little too flirty, but Poe was twenty times worse and that had never bothered Hux for a moment. And they were close to friends now- they were, right? So why should spending time alone in his physical presence make him feel as if he were on the precipice of a roller coaster?

“My car isn't here,” Ben said, as they exited the front doors after practice.

“What?” 

“I usually just walk to school on nice days,” he said. “I'm only a few blocks over. That's okay, right?”

Hux shrugged his shoulders, shifting his backpack up a little. “It's no problem.”

Ben leaned into his space a little, smiling. “Do you need me to carry that for you?” he said, motioning to the backpack. “It looks pretty heavy. Wouldn't want it to weigh you down too much on the walk.” His grin was teasing, and one dark eyebrow was raised. Hux looked down at the sidewalk, and clutched his straps a little tighter. 

“I'm fine.”

Five minutes later, Hux almost wished that he had given in to Ben's probably joke question. His backpack _was_ heavy. He carried multiple textbooks home every day, and at lunch he had visited the library and picked up three other books for his term paper research. Ben was significantly stronger than him. Hux was pretty sure he could carry the bag one-handed if he wanted, no issue. 

He said nothing, though. 

Ben talked. Hux listened. The weather was starting to get a slight chill in it- it was almost October. 

“This is your house?” 

Hux lived in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood. Three bedrooms, two stories, an island in the kitchen, swimming pool in the back- it looked all of the other houses on his street. Ben's house was sprawling, an old-looking white home with a veranda that wrapped around the front. A garden spread across in front of it, probably teeming with life in the spring, now slightly in hiding from the recent weather. Ben unlatched the gate and they both walked under the archway and across the soft lawn. 

“I have to let the dog out,” Ben said. “It will just be a few minutes. Is that okay?”

Hux hmmed an okay as Ben unlocked the front door. He was interested in seeing the inside anyway. He had never been to Ben's house. Ben had only been to his house, twice, back in middle school- Hux had never had the same chance. It wasn't like he thought it would be from the outside- it was very nice, but disorganized looking. At least eight pairs of shoes littered in the foyer, tables stacked with mail and manila folders. There was a front room that looked more like it would appreciate being called a _parlor_ , but Ben just threw his unzipped backpack on the floor of it, letting books and papers spill out onto the floor. Hux heard a noise behind him, and had barely turned around before he saw a chocolate lab bounding down the grandiose, plum-carpeted staircase- headed straight for him.

“Gilly! Gilly, no!” 

Ben was trying to pull the dog away from Hux, but she seemed to have a very vested interested in making sure that his collarbone was sufficiently slobbered on. When he finally managed to wrangle her away, Ben sat down on the floor, one large arm around her and the other one scratching behind her ear. 

“I'm sorry about that,” he said, looking into the dog's face instead of Hux's. “She gets really lonely during the day and then a little overexcited when I come home. Especially when there's a new person with me.” 

“Oh, you bring home a lot of new people, then?” 

Ben leaned into Gilly, who licked his face two, three times. The idea of dogs had always been kind of gross to Hux, he was more of a cat person, but it was kind of cute that way Ben let the lab lavish him with affection. The thought caught him off-guard, but not as much as the look in Ben's eyes when he looked up at Hux from the floor. “Nah. Not really.”

Hux wandered the front rooms while Ben set out food for the dog and let her into the backyard. The walls of Ben's house were lined with photos of him, too- he knew that Ben was an only child, just like himself. He didn't smile in most of the pictures, Hux noticed, even the ones where he was really small. He put his hand on one gold-plated frame that was propped atop an upright piano. The woman with her arms around a maybe ten year-old Ben, who Hux recognized as Leia Organa, had a smile twice as big as her sullen son's, perhaps to compensate.

Leia Organa had not been smiling the one time Hux recalled seeing her in person.

“Oh, god, don't look at those,” Ben said, suddenly right behind him. “I had such massive ears.”

Hux turned, and he found himself backed into the piano, an inch away from pressing down the keys. “You still have massive ears,” he said, trying to ignore the way Ben's body crowded in on him. He attempted to slip away, not managing it without grazing Ben's side. “This is a cool house. Looks old.”

“It's not,” Ben said. “Well, not exactly. It burned down before I was born, and my mom had it rebuilt. I don't know why she bothered, though. She hates it. Says it isn't the same.” He paused. “My grandparents died in the fire. I don't know why she would still want to live here after that.”

Oh. Hux didn't know what to say to that. “I'm sorry.”

“I never knew them,” Ben said, falling down on the sofa knees first and peering out the window blinds. “I hope she doesn't come while we're still here. She will be super annoying.” 

Hux looked up at the wall clock. It was almost 6:30. If he didn't get home soon, he would have a lot to answer for, and he did not want his parents finding out that Ben had driven him home. It was just a ride, but still. It wasn't worth the potential consequences. 

“I really need to go anyway,” Hux said. “My parents are pretty strict about it.”

Ben rotated his body around on the couch, slumping back into the well-worn cushions. He lips were turned down only slightly, and pursed before he opened them again. “Oh. Yeah. I forgot about that.” He dragged himself off of the sofa as if it were a herculean task. “I was hoping we could hang out. Play video games or something.”

If Hux had a more suspicious and untrusting mind, which he did, he would suspect that all of this had been preplanned between Phasma and Ben, in her never-ending quest to prove that Hux was not quite as straight as he proclaimed to be. Lure him to the home of notable out classmate, charm him with a beautiful home, cute interactions with a dog, promises of video games and a shirt that rose up to reveal a taut stomach when he pulled himself up from the couch. When had Ben taken off that hoodie?

Phasma- Phasma, he could see doing that. She had a very misplaced sense of responsibility for Hux's happiness. 

He did want to stay, though. Kind of. Hux didn't really get to hang out at people's houses very often. Even when dating Phasma, they had mostly had to stay at his house. Downstairs. With the door to the den wide open. Not that that had ever really been an issue. 

“Well, you know,” he said, and it was softer than he intended. “Maybe another time.”

The ride home was quiet, save for some weird sounds coming from the engine and Ben's shitty screamo music, turned down low. Hux wanted to talk to him, say something, but conversation wasn't as easy in person as it was online. Ben dropped him off at the edge of his driveway. Hux hoped that his parents wouldn't happen to look out the window. He was going to head right back up to the house, but then he turned back, rapped on the window. Ben had to turn it down with a crank (how old was this car?), and he leaned over to the passenger side. 

“Yeah?”

He looked up at Hux through dark eyelashes, and Hux felt like he was sinking into something thick and gummy. 

“Thanks for the ride.” His hand was still grazing the door handle. “Maybe we can do that other thing sometime. The video games.”

Ben just nodded, and he smiled, and he started up the car again. 

“Talk to you later.”

* * *

**DreaminDarkness88:** _oh my god, hux, I just saw the craziest movie_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _about these two magicians_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _it was fucking amazing the ending made me lose my mind_

**GeneralHux:** _if you're about to spoil this movie for me, please stop yourself right there. I know you would if I didn't stop you._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _i wasn't going to spoil anything_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _I was just gonna say_

Hux crossed his eyes to blur out the rest of whatever Ben was going to say. He had an obnoxious habit of spoiling movies, television shows, video games, books. He would just get too excited about whatever the story was and say too much. 

Hux rolled his desk chair over to his bed and pulled an afghan off of his bed. His room was freezing ever since the weather started to turn- weren't upstairs rooms supposed to be warmer? He cuddled under the blanket and turned back to his computer, where Ben was still going on.

**DreaminDarkness88:** _and it's like 'you don't really want to know. you want to be fooled.' it was right in front of you the whole time! You should have come with us._

**GeneralHux:** _now that i've successfully ignored most everything you just said, what else is going on with you?_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _nothing much. just talking to some boring guy from school._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _what are you doing up??? aren't you normally lights out, covers turned down, monogrammed pajamas on by 10:30 pm?_

**GeneralHux:** _it's friday night. I'm not 80 years old. I know for a fact that i've stayed up this late talking to you at least three other times this month._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _oh, so you're staying up just for me?_

**GeneralHux:** _you flatter yourself too much_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _i don't have to. You do it for me. :)_

**GeneralHux:** _gross_

**GeneralHux:** _for your information, I only break out the monogrammed PJs at Christmas_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _oh, yeah? Then what does a Hux wear to bed normally?_

**GeneralHux:** _yeah, no thanks, I don't have any interest in adding to your beat off material_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _ooh, that fancy? I'll let you know what I'm wearing._

**GeneralHux:** _let me guess. Nothing._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _nope. Santa Claus fleece pajama pants and a German Club t-shirt_

**GeneralHux:** _oh, real exciting_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _i didn't know you were looking to get excited_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _if you were, I could take them off_

The internet felt like a different space then real life. A dark bedroom, after midnight, music playing quietly enough through computer speakers so that it couldn't be heard from downstairs. Hux sat in his chair, soft throw pulled up to his mouth. He chewed on red tassels, filthy habit, waiting for Ben to drop one of stupid emoticons, winky tongues and the like. He didn't. Hux stuck his hands out from under the blanket.

**GeneralHux:** _like you know a thing about what could get me excited_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _oh yeah? I think I take a few guesses._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _i did it anyway_

**GeneralHux:** _did what?_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _took off my pants_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _what about you, hux?_

Hux stared at the words. Under the afghan, he began to palm himself through his pajamas pants, eyes fluttering closed when he felt how hard he already was. Fuck, fuck. He didn't let himself slip a hand under the waistband; he just skimmed his palm up and down the length of it through flannel, watching Ben continue to type on the screen.

**DreaminDarkness88:** _you're not answering me_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _do you want to know what i'm doing?_

Hux kept one hand under the blanket, on himself, while typing single-fingered with the other. Just three letters.

**GeneralHux:** _yes_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _i'm touching myself. I'm touching myself and wishing it were you._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _fuck I always have to do this after we talk_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _i'm so fucking hard_

Hux tried to picture Ben talking to him like this in person. He was sometimes flirty, but never explicit. Hux could imagine it, though. Ben crawling up Hux's bed, hair loose and in his face. Those big arms, hooked around Hux's legs. Those filthy words falling from his overly plush lips as they mouthed hotly at Hux through his pants. He started to let his his hand slip into his boxers, like Ben surely was a few miles away, but at the last moment Hux yanked his hand back up. He kicked the blanket to the floor. 

**GeneralHux:** _no. nevermind._

**GeneralHux:** _I think I misunderstood, i'm sorry. I'm sorry._

Hux felt like he waited forever for Ben's response, his heart aching and feeling like it was ready to drop out of place in his chest. He reached down to grab his blanket, balling it up in his lap and hugging it. 

**DreaminDarkness88:** _...okay._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _can I ask you a question_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _you gotta promise you won't get mad_

**GeneralHux:** _I can't promise that. A lot of things you do make me mad._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _ha. Yeah, I know._

**GeneralHux:** _I only speak the truth._

Such a lie, such a fucking lie, Hux was the biggest liar he knew. He lived in it, he breathed it, and he was in such practice of it that he even didn't even know how to turn it off when he was alone.

**DreaminDarkness88:** _…...good. Because that's kind of what I want to know._

**GeneralHux:** _what do you mean?_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _I get so mixed up with you._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _I think about you all the time. Obviously, as you can tell now that i've completely humiliated myself. But not even just like that._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _I know I KNOW you don't want to talk about this but you say that but then you talk to me and literally just seeing your screen name pop on my screen takes my breath away. I look forward to it so much._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _I know I should just take you at your word but this feels too real for me to not try._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _I know I said I wouldn't bring this up so i'm sorry but...obviously at one point you thought this wasn't the worst idea?? remember? I know it got all messed up but I still feel...like that. About you._

Hux stared at the screen, breathing hard. He felt like something was going to collapse inside him. He couldn't deal with this not now, it was late and his head felt fuzzy and he was still so fucking hard. This had all been a mistake, every bit of it. Hux knew better than to get close to Ben Solo, and he did it anyway. Why? Maybe his father was right. Maybe he was just an unrepentant glutton for sin and punishment. A constant disappointment who, when left to his own devices, made the wrong choice every time.

Even now he was fucking tempted to make the wrong choice anyway, so tempted his hands shook as he violently typed his response. 

**GeneralHux:** _WHAT feels too real? We im a few times and you drove me home once and you pull this_

**GeneralHux:** _ben_

**GeneralHux:** _we're not even really friends_

It feels harsh when he reads it back, but it also doesn't feel like enough. If he's being honest, Hux can be honest. 

**GeneralHux:** _and you don't get it. You don't get it and you CAN'T get it so please stop. You can't get it. You got to leave, you got to go home to your fucking wonderful parents who love you no matter what you do. I had to stay there, with my father, and maybe if you had to go through what I had to go through after that day, for a LONG TIME after that day, you would understand a little better about why I am the way I am._

Hux stood up, because he knew that he was going to be sick. He minimized the window just in case, then ran across the hall to the bathroom. He had barely made it to the toilet before he threw up once for real, then again with nothing coming out. Tears stung at his eyes as he dry heaved, clutching the bowl until he could finally breath again. He slumped against the wall, panting heavily.

There. He felt a little better, actually. 

He sat there for a moment, steadying his breaths, wiping at his eyes and mouth with squares of tissue. He hadn't meant to say all that to Ben, he should have just signed off, and now he was scared to go look at his computer. 

Hux stayed there for at least five minutes, resting his head on the porcelain of the bathtub, before he finally pushed himself up off of the floor. He washed his hands and face, then took a long drink out of the faucet.

When he opened his bedroom door, he only slow the glow of his monitor. Ben's chat window at the bottom was blinking blue. Hux sat down, swallowed and clicked it.

**DreaminDarkness88:** _hux. I feel kind of at a total loss of what to say, because you're right_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _i've been fucking pushy and stupid and a horny ass teenager, i'm sorry. I just wanted to help. i just love talking to you. But I never thought of it from your side. at least, not that much. You're right. Do you want to talk about it, or???_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _you don't have to_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _hux_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _hux, are you okay_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _you're making me fucking worry_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _hux, i'm sorry_

Hux read over what Ben had said at least three times. His face was burning and sore when he rubbed at his eyes. Ben was typing again when Hux answered.

**GeneralHux:** _i'm fine. I just had to go to the bathroom. i'm fine._

Ben stopped typing for a second, then started again.

**DreaminDarkness88:** _okay. Good._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _the fuck, it's not good, not any of it. It's all fucked. I'm sorry._

**DreaminDarkness88:** _hux_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _if I came over right now_

**DreaminDarkness88:** _would you come outside_

Hux stared at his blinking cursor, then down at the time. 1:31. Both of his parents were asleep, for the rest of the night, for sure. He could easily climb in the tree outside of his window into the treehouse- he had frequently crawled back and forth between the two as a child. It was too late and his head felt to fuzzy from sitting up all night in his computer chair, staring at the screen, to lie to himself. He did want to go. His chest ached and his head heart and his throat was raw from vomiting. The thought of going created something sick and tempting inside of him, the feeling he felt when he heard Ben sign on to AIM times a thousand. Hux felt as if he were jumping into a black pit, completely unaware of what lie at the bottom, but compelled by some unidentifiable force to go, go, go.

Hux looked back at the chat box, then began to type.

**GeneralHux:** _okay. Sure._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me at [machinewithoutfeelings](http://machinewithoutfeelings.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just like...all mush. all of it.

_Hux had invited a friend home from school. He normally never got to invite friends home from school._

_His father was out of town, and his mother was always a little softer on the rules when they were the only two in the house. She had made them Bagel Bites and let Hux take them upstairs. Ben had eaten almost all of them, and for some reason Hux didn't say anything. He just rolled his eyes and took another drink of root beer._

_There were two bean bags in the room, but Ben had settled in on the same one Hux was using. He didn't mind. It was large enough for two people, and the weight of their knees resting together felt good. Ben bit his bottom lip as he played Mario Kart. His hair was long, to his chin almost, and it kept falling into his eyes. Every minute or so, Ben would attempt to keep his thumb pressed hard one-handed on the A-button, and use the other hand to brush the hair away._

_“Thanks for coming over,” Hux said, after letting Ben win again._

_“Thanks for having me,” Ben said, and there was a little smudge of pizza sauce on his upper lip. He pushed at his hair. “I can't remember the last time someone did.”_

_Hux had only been going to Arkanis Middle for six weeks, but he had noticed the distance other students kept from Ben. It had kept him away, too, at first, as had the sometimes violent outbursts Ben had in class. He hadn't been able to maintain that distance, though. Something about Ben drew him in. He found himself chatting to him at recess, sitting down next to him at lunch. Ben was smarter than the other kids, quick and funny in an underhanded way. He had kept Hux laughing from the time they had boarded Hux's bus together after school to this moment now, when Ben was reaching over Hux to grab his can of soda._

_“Hey!” Hux said. “You can't drink that.”_

_“Says you?” Ben asked, and he was still partially leaning over Hux, who could not find it in himself to stop him. Something about Ben kept stopping Hux in his tracks. He took a drink then placed it back on the other side of Hux, having to lean over him again. He was real close to his face when Ben smiled and blinked and his eyelashes hit the top of his cheeks. “You really don't mind, do you?”_

_“No,” Hux said, feeling like he should move but not wanting to. Ben didn't really seem to have boundaries. He drank from Hux's drink, sat on his beanbag. He had practically tackled Hux with a hug when he told him that he could come over for the afternoon. It had been right outside the lunchroom, in front of everyone. Hux had wriggled out of it and tried to look the appropriate amount of mortified as he said, 'Stop acting like a preschooler, Solo', but he had also felt the hug still humming tight around him well into his next few classes._

_Ben wasn't sitting back. He was kind of just looking at Hux expectantly. Hux didn't know what he was supposed to be doing, but he felt rooted to the spot until he did it. The music from the television felt distant, and all he could feel were the microbeads in the beanbag moving beneath him as he slightly shifted position. One hand on the cream-colored carpet, still slightly damp from being shampooed. The other hand had somehow made it onto Ben's shoulder. Ben's shoulder. Ben was so close._

_Hux kissed him._

_He tasted like pepperoni, and Hux's root beer. It wasn't terrible, somehow. It should have been._

_When he sat back, Hux touched his lips as if he were surprised, as if Ben had kissed him instead of the other way around. He blinked a few times, then looked up at Ben, who was biting his bottom lip like he was taking a sharp turn on Rainbow Road. When their eyes finally met, a smile spread across Ben's face, and he leaned forward, his shoulder knocking into Hux's._

_“Can we do that again?” His eyes were wide, locked on Hux. “That was my first kiss.”_

_It was a bad idea, Hux knew immediately. He should have told Ben that the visit was over, that Hux was sick, that Ben needed to go and probably not come back, ever. It was a bad idea, and Hux just nodded, let Ben lean in again and kiss him this time. He noticed different things than he did during the other one, concentrating on the feel rather than the taste. Ben's lips were slippery, and soft, and warm. Hux let his eyes close this time, let Ben grab his hand when he did, let him lace their fingers together and squeeze them tight. When they parted again, Ben was grinning so big that Hux felt a smile actually break on his own face._

_“What?” Hux said, bumping one of his knees against Ben's, covering his mouth to hide how big he couldn't help but smile._

_“That confirms it,” Ben said, running two hands through the front of his hair and pulling back on it as he laughed._

_Hux turned over his hand and wiped at his wet mouth. “Confirms what?”_

_“I'm so gay,” Ben said._

_“I'm not,” Hux said, furrowing his brow._

_“You're not?” Ben was crowding into Hux, getting way too close, and Hux could feel his entire body respond. He felt soaked in kerosene and lit on fire, except it didn't hurt- it made him feel like he was burning bright. This was a thing he could have, it was here and real and pushing him down on his back in his big beanbag chair that looked like a deflating soccer ball. Ben was pressing their chests together, and Hux saw something in his eyes that reminded him of when he would lose control in school, except he was licking his lips and touching Hux's hair. “If you're so not gay, I guess you don't want to kiss me anymore?”_

_Hux couldn't not kiss him. Kissing was wonderful. Kissing **Ben** was wonderful. They kissed for a long time, until Hux's lips were sore and even then he couldn't stop. About fifteen minutes in, Ben tried putting his tongue in Hux's mouth and Hux practically spit it out- it was slobbery and inelegant. _

_“Maybe like this,” he whispered, trying it on Ben, only cautiously venturing into his mouth. Ben responded overeager; he tried to jump all over Hux, reciprocate the motion. Hux pushed back lightly on his shoulder- the other boy was going to crush him. He didn't mind it so much, maybe, but Hux kept a little distance between them so only their lips were touching. And their hands. Hux liked holding Ben's hands- they were giving off almost unnatural heat, and provided a nice contrast to Hux's perpetually icy ones._

_Hux was so enthralled by Ben, and his lips, and the cosy warmth of his hands, that he didn't hear his father's truck pull up in the drive. Or his keys in the front door._

_Or his footsteps on the stairs._

* * *

He'd worn his flip flops, for some reason. They were the first shoes he saw, and now he stood in the dewy grass waiting for headlights. It was cold. He should have brought a jacket, but Hux wasn't going back inside yet for anything. He'd made it out once, and he wasn't chancing it again. He could take the cold. He could wait.

It wasn't long at all before he saw Ben's car roll up in front of his house. 

Ben reached over to the passenger side and threw the door open. Hux didn't get in right away, just put his hand on top of the window and leaned down a little, looking in at him. Ben was as expressionless as he had ever seen him, and his lips looked unnaturally small with how they were pulled in on themselves. His cheeks were flushed red, probably because he had the heater on almost full blast, and he was still wearing those damn Santa Claus pajamas. And his black hoodie, of course. When he noticed Hux looking at the pants, his eyes dropped down then turned ahead towards the road. “You getting in Rapunzel? I've come to rescue you from your tower.”

Hux climbed in, closing the door quietly as he could. The heat felt amazing on his goose-pimpled flesh, and he leaned in close. “Why am I Rapunzel?” he asked. “You're the one with the-” He motioned a hand close to Ben's hair, almost touching it but not.

“You just are,” Ben said, and he was smiling now, just a little. He shifted the car into drive, and Hux twisted around as the drove off, carefully watching his house until they reached the end of the street.

“You're so worried, you would think you never snuck out before.”

Hux turned his body back around, settling into his seat and rolling his eyes. “Like you sneak out that often, Solo,” he said. His words were soft, and they seem to melt into the warmth of the car. Ben's stereo was turned down real low, but Hux could still recognize the music. It didn't sound much like the screechy garbage he knew to be Ben's preferred music. It sounded more like Hux's, but he didn't comment. He just leaned in real close to the heater again, placed his cold hands over the vents. 

He didn't ask where they were going. Hux just closed his eyes and let Ben drive, feeling every turn move his body and letting the soft murmur of _The Fox in the Snow_ fill his ears. 

When he felt the car stop, Hux opened his eyes. 

“You were sleeping,” Ben said, turning off the car. He was looking fondly at Hux in a way that made warmth ripple through him.

“I was not,” Hux rubbed at his eyes, looking outside the car. He could see swing sets under the glow of streetlights. “Are we at the elementary school? Ben, we are going to get in trouble for being here.”

“It's not technically part of the school campus. We can be here.”

Hux didn't now if he believed him, but he followed Ben out of the car, across the gravel which made its way into his flip flops as his feet sank down into it. Ben took a seat on one of the swings, and Hux sat next to him. 

“No,” Ben said. “You go in that one.” He pointed over at the baby swing, then kicked himself off the ground and started swinging.

“Is this why we're here at two in the morning?” Hux said, following him in motion. “Are we going to see who can jump the farthest, like an eight year-old?”

“Spoken like someone who knows he is going to lose,” Ben said, smirking. His hair flew backwards and forwards as he picked up speed. Hux wasn't going to jump. He knew that he wasn't going to jump- it reminded him of being a little kid, when he would always get too scared at the last moment and skid his feet into the dirt at the last moment. He slowed down instead; he started moving in circles, twisting the chain link of the swing until it groaned and refused to entwine any further. He held himself there, watching Ben go higher and higher as Hux held against the resistance of the chains. 

“I swear to God, if you land on your face and split it open, I am not helping you.”

Ben turned towards him, giving one more grin and a thumbs up before he went air bound. Hux couldn't watch as he did, certain he was going to smack the ground horrifically, but when he opened his eyes again, Ben was on his feet. And advancing. 

“Did you want to talk?” Ben asked, taking hold of Hux's twisted chains. His voice was low, and somehow surrounded by a spectacular silence that should exist only for early mornings on snow days. Light from the streetlamp shone off his black hair, and his fucking eyes. They were always so...intuitive? Insightful. Ben couldn't hide a single emotion from his eyes and Hux hated it. He was actually beautiful, Hux knew, and it was unfair. Why did boys have to be beautiful like that to him? Why did Ben have to be beautiful like this, all the time, as long as he'd known him?

“What would I talk about?” Hux let go of the swing and sent himself spinning. 

Ben reached out and caught one chain. 

“I worry about you,” he said, and he had a hand almost at Hux's cheek. Hux shrugged it away, but smiled.

“Are you finally ready to admit to stalking me, then?”

The aim was to make Ben laugh, but Ben didn't laugh. He was still staring down at Hux with some lost, pitying face that made Hux cringe away in discomfort. His instinct was flight. Get out, make Ben go away, because Ben was danger. Danger that he had run straight toward. He was danger and he was Hux's ride and he was getting way too close to touching him.

“Are you cold? You keep shivering.”

“I do not,” Hux said, a complete lie, but Ben was already pulling his hoodie over his head. A little slice of skin showed between his tee shirt and the low-slung pajama pants. Hux did not hide as he looked. The skin of Ben's lower abdomen was creamy white and speckled with dark moles, like the rest of him. 

Ben dropped the hoodie Hux's lap.

“Put it on.”

Hux remembered theorizing about what Ben's overused hoodie probably smelled like, the negative aspersions he had cast toward him in a desperate need to categorize Ben Solo as something undesirable. He was wrong, of course. Of course he was. He pulled Ben's hoodie over his head and breathed in the scent, Tide and ocean mist and clean.

“Do you like this?” he asked, standing up, trying not to notice how the sleeves fell past his hands, like adult clothes on a child. “You getting to be the big hero for me?” Hux wanted to sound bitter, but when he heard himself aloud he realized that his voice was too soft.

“You deserve someone to be.”

Ben was pulling at the end of the hoodie's sleeve, standing too close. 

“No one's coming,” he whispered. “We're totally alone.”

“So?”

“We're alone.”

“I'm not into boys,” Hux said, voice pitiful. “Like that.”

“Mmhmm,” Ben said, cupping his face with one unnecessarily large hand. A calloused thumb stroked the line of Hux's jaw, ending at the skin near his lips. “Can that be the last time you say something like that, then? You get that all out of you?” Hux nodded weakly into Ben's palm, eyes closed. It felt so nice.

“Good.” He pulled Hux's chin up. Hux felt a rush of hear burn through his chest, Ben's gaze fixed right on him, so close. “I really wanted to do this tonight.” 

His lips were incredibly gentle when they finally pressed themselves to Hux's. Just the slightest pressure, though the grip Ben had on the side of his face tightened. It wasn't enough. Hux wrapped his arms around him, letting his palms rest flat on Ben's shoulder blades. He held their bodies flush to each other as he parted his lips slightly, hesistantly, hopefully. Ben made a sound against his mouth, a kind of growling sigh, as they both went deeper. The composure Ben had showed all night seem to slip away, and his kiss was like a sense memory- it was clumsy and eager and messy and he kept trying to pull at Hux's too-short hair. 

This was right, this was good, this was perfect. 

This was going be the fucking end of him.

When Ben finally pulled away, Hux felt like he was surfacing too soon. Could he breathe real air anymore?

Ben looked up and away, and Hux could see from the light striped across them that he was flushed pink and breathing hard. When he turned back to Hux, their noses brushed slightly. Still so close.

“Hey,” Ben said.

“Hey.” 

Hux looked around them, where they stood in the middle of the playground. Too exposed. Ben seemed to notice his wariness, took his hand and led him across the large play structure. They walked up the oversized steps and ducked into the square at the top of the slide.

“We're too big to be in here,” Hux said, hugging his knees and taking up as little space as he possibly could. 

Ben looked toward the half-moon shape that led to the slide. “Do you want to go down, then?”

They both heard it after he said it. Ben looked away, and Hux wondered if he was blushing. 

Hux tilted his head back and looked out of the opening above them. The moon was mostly covered by clouds, and he could hear some faint rumbling from far away. It was going to rain. _We should probably leave,_ Hux thoughts. Instead, however, he pulled the hood up over his head and let his body flop against Ben's. Head on his shoulder. Ben let out a little surprised breath, then wrapped an arm around Hux. 

“He didn't talk to me for the entire summer, after the first day,” Hux finally said, staring straight ahead. “And my mom, she always goes along with everything he wants. And I wasn't allowed to leave the house. I felt like a ghost. I think they would have preferred if I was. Preferred if I was dead.”

“Oh.”

Ben didn't know what to say, of course he didn't. He had the kind of mom who collected her screaming boy in her arms and told him she loved him anyway. The kind who paid for broken windows and kicked through walls but didn't hold her tongue. The kind who helped wash the blood off his knuckles and kissed his forehead and then fought like hell. Hux knew that his mother came with strings. She was his father's before he was hers. And his father-

“They thought about sending me away. My dad left out a letter on the hall table. I think it was a threat. And I've tried _so hard_ to be good, Ben. For years. You're going to make me ruin everything I've worked for.”

Even as he said this, he held onto Ben tighter. He found the other boy's hand and laced their fingers together. 

“Do want what that is? Whatever it is you've been working for? Will it make you happy?”

“”You don't get it,” Hux said, mumbling into a mess of dark hair. It smelled nice, too, so nice. Hux was sleepy and Ben was so comfortable. “We have to be so careful.” His voice was fond, and tired of fighting. 

“I can be careful,” Ben whispered. “For you.” 

“Mmm.” Hux reached up, drowsy. He opened his eyes just a bit before his lips touched Ben's again. He smiled into the kiss, nuzzled into Ben's neck after. What else could he do, if not this? 

“Why me?” Hux murmured into Ben's skin. “There are other guys, out guys, way less complicated and messed up than me. Why would you want to be here?”

Ben kissed Hux's temple. “Like I'm a prize,” he said. His breath tickled his ear as he spoke into it. “Besides, I'm kind of stalking you. I'm obsessed.”

* * *

They'd spent the majority of the night making out in a public park, and now it was almost past what could qualify as night and Ben was taking him to McDonald's. For breakfast. Ben refused to waste an opportunity when they were up and awake and out of the house early enough on a Saturday to get McDonald's breakfast.

“What do you want?” Ben asked, as they pulled up in the drive-thru. “Egg McMuffin? Hotcakes? Sausage biscuit?”

“You don't have to read the whole damn menu to me,” Hux groused, unbuckling his seatbelt and leaning over Ben to get a closer look at the menu board. After a moment, Hux felt the light touch of Ben's hand came to rest on the back of his denim-clothed thigh. The touch was casual, so gentle, and Hux didn't react except for a slight stumbling in his reading.

Is this what they were now? Soft touches in a McDonald's drive-thru? Were they boyfriends?

Hux liked the way the way Ben sounded repeating his order, and he liked the way Ben paid for his food without discussion. He liked the way Ben put the straw in Hux's water cup, and popped down the little OTHER circle on the lid before handing to to him. Hux really liked the way Ben reached over and took his hand as they ate, parked in a space off to the side.

“I should get home,” Hux said, swallowing the last of his hash brown. “If my parents wake up and find out I'm not there...it would be. Bad.”

“That won't happen,” Ben said, cupping Hux's cheek and kissing him. It was light, reassuring and tasted of the grape jelly Ben had covered his Egg McMuffin in. (Repulsive.)

The drive home was silent. Hux wasn't tired anymore. The anxiety building inside seemed to give him a second wind. Night was like a drug, and now, with his breakfast sitting heavy in his stomach, he felt as if he were sobering up. His parents could be awake. They could be waiting for him. He didn't have any messages on his phone, but they could be walking up to his bedroom and discovering it, right at the very second when Ben pulled into the subdivision.

The house looked quiet enough. Hux looked at the clock. 5:03. It was still really early, as dark as it was when Ben picked him up, and it would be strange for his parents to rise before six. Still, his heart was pounding. He would have to be more careful than this from now on. If he was really going to do this, he had to be.

He felt a hand on his arm. “Text me when you're inside,” Ben said.

“If I don't, are you going to come busting through the front door in attack mode?” Hux could not think of a bigger nightmare. He wished that Ben Solo and his family could exist in separate dimensions. _Are you really going to do this?_

Ben leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I'll try to keep the property damage to a minimum.” 

Hux eased the car door shut so softly that he didn't think that it closed all the way. He gave one last, pathetic wave to Ben before starting the walk across the lawn. The back gate squeaked as he opened it- it sounded piercing, a scream. One step up the treehouse was loose- as he climbed past it, Hux wondered if he should fix it. If that would arouse any suspicions. Certainly less than would be aroused if Hux made a wrong move and broke his leg one night sneaking out of the house.

He was all the way up before he realized that meant he was actually planning on sneaking out again.

No one was waiting for him. Relief flooded through Hux bit by bit as he undressed, put his pajamas back on, then walked softly down the stairs to check the rest of the house. The master bedroom door was closed, everything was still. Nothing seemed amiss. 

Back upstairs, he picked his phone up from where he'd laid it on the desk and climbed into bed.

_**Hux:** All clear. You can't stop worrying about me. _

Ben texted back almost immediately. 

_**Ben:** I wasn't. _

_**Ben:** I'm a liar. I pulled over on the next street over and I've just been waiting to hear from you._

_**Hux:** I'll see you Monday, then. Good night, Ben._

_**Ben:** Good night, Hux._

_**Ben:** Hux?_

_**Hux:** What?_

_**Ben:** This isn't just a tonight thing, right?_

Hux rolled over on his pillow, barely able to keep his eyes open as he typed. The sick feeling in his stomach was almost gone. For now. He had an idea that it would probably be back with a buffet of brand new anxieties whenever he woke up. This was all a phenomenally bad idea, but bad ideas always seemed best on low sleep. For now, he just pressed send.

_**Hux:** No, not just a tonight thing. Go home and go to sleep._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me at [machinewithoutfeelings](http://www.machinewithoutfeelings.tumblr.com)


End file.
